Sunshine

The last few weeks I found myself in a bit of a funk. At one point, it really did seem like the end of everything. Anything I touched seemed to turn to dust (and Midas thought he had it rough). It seems like we all go through these periods where we're perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop, that happiness is fleeting at best and it's stupid to hope for more. We swallow the pain like a pill and wash it down with a less than healthy dose of apathy.

But no matter what we tell ourselves, it doesn't last forever. The sun comes out again and chases the clouds away. And even if it only lasts for an hour, the sunshine is still there to savor, and those moments of bliss make all the shit we go through worth it. Unfortunately, if you're like me you often spend the entire time worrying about the other shoe that's about to drop and miss out on the sunshine.

I finally had my ray of sunshine break through the gray this past weekend. I'd been struggling the last few weeks with my latest endeavors, but particularly with my truck driver training. I was struggling so hard, in fact, that I was beginning to doubt the wisdom of the decision to even sign up for classes. Friday night I couldn't sleep. I spent the entire night worrying about class the next day and how I was going to deal with an instructor that had seemed to hint that he didn't think I was cut out for driving eighteen wheelers. Or much of anything else.

Saturday morning eventually rolled around. And you know what? All the worry was for nothing. Sunday I went in and did every maneuver I had struggled with. I also fell out of the truck (what did I say about the other shoe?) but that is another story. In the end, however, it was the reassurance I needed to realize that not everything I do is pointless. It won't all turn to dust.

The old saying holds true: practice makes perfect. Try, and try again. And that isn't just alley-dock and parallel parking maneuvers. That's life. So you're last relationship went south (as mine did). Or maybe you lost that last job (ouch). You felt like it was the end of the world (like I did). Okay. Did you learn anything from it? Did you learn something about what kind of man you're looking for? How about yourself? Did you learn anything about how you react to situations? How about what you want out of life? Do you realize you're stronger than you thought?

Everything is a learning curve. Sometimes we get lucky when we pick up that instrument and we hit the right notes the first time, but more often than not it takes weeks before we can wheeze a tune out.

I guess the hard part is when we get right into the middle of what feels like our biggest failure to date, not loosing sight of the big picture. We too often forget that there's always tomorrow, and it isn't going to go away just because we feel sorry for ourselves. So pick up that instrument. Get back in that truck. Get a better man. Find something new to try. Banish those clouds. But don't write yourself off or sell yourself short. No matter how old or young you are, there's still a whole lot of life yet to live.


Oh, and since Kiera has started this songs to go with the theme of our posts, here's the song that came to my mind while I was writing this. I was going to link to their official video, but upon watching it, it was just too weird.

Human Chemistry 101: Opposites Attract (and I don't mean magnets)

We've all been. That irritating attraction to a member of the male species who is completely, and utterly the antithesis of what we should be attracted to. It may be the hot bad boy with the Harley. It could be the starving artist who hasn't shaved in weeks. It could be the moody anti-social marxist who wishes the capitalist pigs would all go hang themselves. Or, if you yourself fall into any of the above categories, it could be the cute, wholesome bible thumper in the really, really awful sweater-vest. But whatever the type, we've all been there.

What is it about our chemical make-up that makes our hormones go haywire at the merest whiff of pheromones from men who are wrong in every conceivable way the but the biological? Even if they are good for a good roll in the hay, goodness only knows what can of worms you could be opening by obtaining that down and dirty romp! But they're downright sexy, so we pursue that romp or (if we're really gluttons for punishment) actually try to rope them into something with strings attached.

Bad move.

Regardless, when all is said and done we're left scratching our heads saying to ourselves, “what was I thinking?”

For me, it's the moody, artsy boys who'd love to work for a liberal propaganda groups that turn me on. Or even moodier socialist angst machines that make me frisky. With a conservative streak a mile wide, you'd think these guys would make me run for the hills. Nope, not a chance. Instead, I find myself mooning over them and making doe-eyes. WTF?

Then there's the guys that ought to be perfect. They want what you want. They're motivated. They haven't been to jail. And yet, try as you may, there isn't a single, solitary spark. Again I say, WTF? This guy's sweet on me, likes my mom, and has a job. Ew. And this guy just put new chrome on his Harley, and his wrap sheet is only half a page long. Sexy!

Really? Seriously?

I get by with a little help from my friends

Wednesday morning.

I didn't want to go to class. At all. I felt like getting out of bed was a chore. I knew what to expect: An hour rehashing the election results with a UIS political science professor, then having to write about it, then two and a half hours rehashing the results during a night lecture with another political science professor.

So I texted Luke, one of my new PAR friends: "Election night wore me out and I didn't even do anything. I don't wanna go to classs."

His reply: "You didn't even have to work the damn thing! Get your stuff ready in 20 minutes. I'll pick you up and we can get some caffeine."

It was just the pick-me-up I needed. Luke had been at the campus NPR affiliate all night, so he had an excuse to be tired. I had just sat awake all night with a few other people gobbling down pumpkin pie with copious amounts of whipped cream and refreshing my computer's election results.

I'd been in a major funk for three whole days over not voting, through my own fault. I had planned to register in Illinois, but UIS does little to no promotion of voting. You can't even register at the school library, and I was stuck on campus all day on the deadline.

When that passed, I decided to mail in an absentee ballot application to Ohio. I got as far as saving a .pdf of the application on my flash drive ... I just never got to mailing it. I was vaguely aware that it might be still possible to vote in Illinois at the county board of elections without being officially registered, but you have to do that at least 7 days before the election. I found this out for sure three days before.

Hence my three-day funk. I was going to have to sit out voting in a Republican year. All the Facebook reminders and texts from Organizing for America did little to help my depression.

I guess the point of all this, is that the smallest things, like a ride to school and a fresh latte can do a lot to make one feel that post-election life is worth living. Not to mention dishing about boys with my two favorite friends from back home and this blog's co-authors.

This song also helped me through it. It's about apathy, but a lot of it seemed to speak to how I feel right now. She's an Aussie artist whom I saw in SF.

Lines like: "Citizens don't stand up anymore/There's no point losing face." and "I'm a baby boomer's daughter / and I'm never gonna reach Nirvana." are the ones that resonated particularly with me.